Hello, and welcome to The Own Your Health Podcast,
I'm Cyndi Lynne, and I can't wait to
help you step into your health power.
So today I'm very excited because I have
a special guest joining me, Missy Wokasch,
amazing coach.
And I realized when I was preparing for this interview
that we have been together for two years now, just
over two years, which is really hard to believe.
We've worked on a whole number of things together.
The other day, our conversation was really enlightening,
and we started to talk about resentment.
And we know resentment can really
take a toll on your health.
But Missy has a really different angle.
So I would like to welcome Missy, Hey, Missy
good morning. Good morning. Thanks so much.
Yeah, thanks so much for coming on today.
I really appreciate your time.
I'm going to let you tell folks a little bit
about yourself and your background, and then we'll dig in.
Okay, well, sounds good.
And I'm really grateful to be here.
Thank you for inviting me.
It's been so much fun working together
all these years on our things.
We have so much in common.
What I do is I'm a life coach for burned out
professional women who are at the end of their rope.
Like, they have tried everything, and they are
generally the go to people in their lives, that
everybody goes to them because they're the action
takers, the decision makers that get stuff done,
but they rarely take care of themselves because
they're so busy taking care of other people.
And so they tend to burn
out and they're kind of caretakers.
And this is a perfect topic for us to
talk about because the resentment tends to build
when you do such a good job taking care of
everybody else's needs, you get resentful that your needs kind
of get lost in the weeds when you get so
busy and at so in the process of burnout, the
stress level builds, and at some point, you can't work
faster, harder, smarter to outdo it.
Something has to change.
And so that's where I come in and where
I help people. It's just kind of calm the
chaos, get a grip, figure out how to take
control of their lives again and themselves as well.
And not just the other people in their life,
but also to start incorporating their own self care
and their own health and wellness into their lives
again because it's kind of filtered away.
So that's what I've enjoyed, some of the stories that
you've shared about some of the groups that you've led.
And truly, it's something I recognize from
my years as nursing all of the
issues that caregivers are up against.
But that resentment one, that's one
people don't like to talk about.
And when we've talked about
it, I've been even surprised,
I always associate a little bit of anger with it,
but you have a really different perspective.
Can you tell us about that?
I do.
I learned a number of years ago in an
interview with Brene Brown that she researches all the
emotions and has a very scientific way of looking
at emotional impacts and how they affect your life
and kind of the foundation and what's behind them.
And she said that it's really common for people
to think that if you are resentful, that that's
kind of part of the anger family or of
emotions is how she, she kind of categorizes these
different types of emotions and that you think that
you're angry when you're resentful, when really it's,
she found out in her research, that it is
a, it's truly rooted in envy because when you
are resentful, it is a red flag that it's
something that you want, like somebody else has,
like, for my example, it was such
an eye opener for me personally.
And like, my, I am like the people that I help, right?
I mean, I am going, going, going.
I take care of the kids, the house, the
bills, the shopping, my work and everything else, right?
And my husband, he works, and then he comes home at night
and he sits and he says he's tired, and he sits and
watches tv, which is great and what he needs to do.
But I had this resentment that
was building and building and building.
Like what?
Come on, we have all this stuff.
There's so much to do.
Wouldn't it be nice, you know?
And you get kind of snarky and you're
like, yeah, I wish I could sit down.
And it never really dawned on me that
he is doing what I want to do.
I really want to sit down and
relax, but I feel like I can't.
And part of it is the martyr in me that I
can't because I have so much to do in what causes
our problem of building resentment and the eventual burnout.
But the same thing with, you know, we see movie
stars that look a certain way or act a certain
way or talk a certain way, and we get kind
of resentful, like, oh, what are they? You know?
And we kind of, one of the red flags
that she talked about is when to notice it
is when you start, when you notice yourself creating
a dialogue in your mind of what you'd really like
to say to them, like, but, you know, you shouldn't.
You know, it's really pretty snarky and, you know, like,
oh, fine, nice for you to sit on the couch
and watch tv for an hour, you know, and you,
you may or may not say that.
Or if you do, it probably
doesn't have a very good consequence.
That's kind of a red flag that it's resentment
building and that you really are, are, you're angry
at yourself more than the other person because you
are not doing what they are doing or what
they have or what they are about.
You know what I mean?
And that's interesting, because when you mention
the envy, I've thought of situations where
I'm resentful of a situation, but I
don't necessarily want what that person has.
I'm resentful that they've gotten
where they have so quickly.
But when you look at, you know, in the very simple
example you gave with your husband coming home from work and
watching tv, even if you don't want to sit and watch
tv, the idea that he's choosing and doing what he wants
when his work is finished and you aren't.
Right, right.
It's not necessarily the act.
It might be just the, the concept behind
it that he is listening to his body.
He is tired and he is resting, and
I, and it's, and I am not.
And I feel like I can't.
And it's a kind of a power issue in,
in that you, you feel like you don't have
control over something and that they do, you know,
and whether it's that they're making good choices for
their health or their well being or their business.
And you might not.
Like, if you see someone that's wildly successful, you know,
you might, you know, that might be more like jealousy
or, I don't know, that it's necessarily envy.
I mean, you might be envious because they're successful
and they make millions of dollars, but you're not
willing to do the work that it takes to
get where they are, you know?
So, um, I have found resentment
is more of a interpersonal.
It's like between you and another person, or
it's a, it's a relationship issue, because not
a lot of you can, you know, if
you're comparing yourself to Kim Kardashian, it's very
different than your neighbor down the street.
You know, there's a, there's a personal connection
that builds the, the envy or resentment that
you take personally that affects you.
And it, and it's really, you think it's about them,
but it's a flag about yourself that it may be
something that you should do or that you want to
do, and you either haven't noticed or you don't want
to admit or you don't want to take the time.
Like, for me, I have this ongoing dialogue in my
brain back to my husband sitting on the couch, that
I was raised, that you mothers don't sit down.
Like, there's always something to do.
Like, you just keep on the move.
And I think it started when I was a waitress.
Like, if you aren't moving, you got to
constantly be checking your tables or cleaning or
filling ketchup bottles or doing something.
Like, you have to stay on the move.
And somehow that's ingrained in my nervous system
now that sitting is bad or sitting is
lazy or sitting is, you know, luxurious.
And I don't have the time to, for luxury right now.
And so a lot of it is the meaning
that you associate with the action that you're really
envious or jealous about, or resentful about.
You know, it's, but we, it's so natural for
our knee jerk reaction to be angry at them
and have it outward when it's really an opportunity
to look inward of what am I not getting?
What am I not doing for myself?
Or what, what about this situation bothers me and why?
You know, it's really just a, a flag for
you to stop and investigate what's really beneath the
surface, because it's not him sitting on the couch.
That's harmless, doesn't hurt a fly.
But what about that bothers me and why?
And then we kind of peel back the layers and to
find out, like, with me, that kind of stems back to
my waitressing days and my parenting and my, how I was
raised or what I thought being a good mother was or
being a good wife was that the house needs to
be perfect and clean and the groceries and the dinner and
the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And all the rules that I've put on myself
that are optional, that I didn't realize, you know,
I just kept doing it until I burned out.
And now I can step back and figure out
what are all these things that I've piled, expectations
I've piled onto myself that I never realized.
And now I need to just physically make a choice.
Is it true?
Do I still want to do that?
Or is there another way? You know?
Or did I even realize it, you know?
And that's really how I help my
clients get out of burnout themselves.
Is by just really observing their own behavior and
their own thoughts of that you don't even realize
you have, you know, but until you stop and
put them under the microscope and say, wait, I
never knew that's where it came from.
And I don't agree anymore.
I just have been on this perpetual treadmill and
adding more and more and never taking anything away.
So I see a couple opportunities here, and I'm going
to back up probably a couple of paragraphs from what
you said, because you're, and I love it, you're getting
into some solutions and some acts that we can take.
We talk about the ways that we can own our health.
I think one of the first things you
mentioned was that owning what the feeling is.
Okay, this is resentment. I don't know
sometimes there's shame feeling resentment
or shame with feeling anger. There's...
We have stories about these emotions, and we can't,
we can't even begin to look at what our
story is not look at the correct emotion.
So owning that your resentment may be envy, may be
anger at yourself, not at the person, is kind
of the first piece that I see. Right.
The other opportunity that you talked about that
we touch on here quite often is the
fact your husband listens to his body.
He works all day. I know.
I happen to know he works a physical job.
So he comes home, he's scared, so he rests.
Wow.
I know what a concept this is.
Earth battery here.
But we don't.
We're in that pattern, like you said, whether it's.
Whether it's being a mom, whether it's jobs
that we've had, whether we always feel.
So just owning whatever your story is around not
listening to your body and its needs. For sure.
So if we listen, if we own what our
body wants, if we own the true emotion that
lies beneath some of these feelings, what's one high
impact, actionable thing that we can do?
Because you've talked about a lot of different areas,
and I realize they're all the same and they
all combine, but it feels like, oh, my gosh,
that's a lot of changes I have to make.
What would have the biggest impact on
listeners that they could take away today?
The biggest impact or the overall umbrella of
everything that I do is to pay attention
to their emotions or their feelings.
You know, we use the word emotions and
feelings kind of interchangeably, but really, at first,
the emotion causes a feeling in our body. You know,
the emotion is the trigger to something that
our body is telling us, our health is
telling us, our emotions, our hot flashes are,
you know, their messages that are telling us.
And so the, the main tool that I teach my clients
is to get curious and just notice, to observe and be
curious and go, wow, I just had a hot flash.
What, what do you, what just happened that, you
know, was there something, was there an emotional tie
to that or is the temperature off?
Or, um, you know, my heart is racing, or I'm all
of a sudden, like, you know, you can be driving along
in the traffic just fine, had a great day, and all
of a sudden you're angry or you're sad.
Have you ever, like, wake up, you
know, and you've just, you're sad?
And the, the main tool is just
to get curious and, like, why?
What do you think?
And not judgmental.
Big difference.
Don't be judgmental.
Like, I shouldn't be sad today.
I shouldn't be tired.
I got a good night's rest.
I got whatever.
Be curious and of, like, what maybe could it, I
don't know, maybe, you know, and just be curious about
what is going on with you and make it internally
curious, not external, you know, and be, like, an observer
of your own life and kind of turn that mirror
around to be looking at yourself more and include yourself
not as the victim, but as the, a mirror, a
reflection of what is going on.
And there's messages in that.
And if you start to pay attention, you might
see patterns and you might see something that,
I always am sad the day after I am with my
mother in law or, you know, this person just irritates me.
You know, a lot of times we have a person
in our life who drives you crazy and they don't
do anything wrong and you're just, it's just a something.
And, but get curious of, like, hmm.
Usually that's a flag of something about
you that you don't like in them.
You know, if they're bragging or boastful or, you know,
that's the last thing you want to be seen as.
And so you don't like that in the other person,
but it has no bearing on you, so let them
be them because you are not that way.
Acknowledge that I'm not that way.
Doesn't bother me if they want to be
that way and separate yourself from other people.
But I guess my one long answer to, for a
one word or long explanation to a one word tool
of just be curious. That's a great approach.
And I like the qualifier without judgment because that's
something that it's very easy to jump and do. Again.
Oh, I feel like, oh, I shouldn't be feeling like that.
I shouldn't have, you know, I
have no reason to be tired.
Why does that bother me?
You know, there's, you know, the shoulds and the musts and
the have to's are also flags to pay attention to.
Whenever you say you should do this,
it really means you don't want to.
You know, if you have to, if you must, there's an
inherent resistance in that, that you really don't want to.
And so be curious and say, do I,
I mean, do I really have to?
You know, when your baby has a dirty
diaper, you don't have to change your diaper.
You really kind of want to
because you don't want the consequence. Yes.
You don't want the consequences of not changing it.
So you really do kind of want. Absolutely.
So true.
And, and that analogy can show up in,
in so many places in your life.
If you get curious or observe your language, your
feelings, your emotions, how it's affecting your body, get
curious. The language we use about things as well.
So I want to be respectful of your time, but
I also want people to know if they want more
of you, if they are feeling that burnout, what's the
best way for them to reach out to you?
Probably the easiest is my website, missywokasch.com.
and it's okay.
I'll put that in the show notes.
Yeah, it's in the show notes.
That's probably the easiest.
I'm also on, you know, all the socials as well.
So with just Missy Wokasch and,
yeah, but probably my website.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for taking the time.
I'm going to let you get back to your busy day.
And I'm going to remind folks, if you know
someone who would benefit from listening to this, if
you know someone who's feeling resentful, who's starting to
get burnt out, have them take a listen.
Let them hear what Missy has to say, and until
next week, let's go out and own it. Thank you.
